just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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