you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
