She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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