Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
