Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my liver is dry heaving
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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