Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
