and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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