I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
