Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
