Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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