went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
