I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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