He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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