3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
