i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
