got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
