Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
