Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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