this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
