WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
