dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
