Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
