his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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