Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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