I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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