so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
