i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize