If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You need Xanax blowdarts
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
