dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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