So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
