I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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