sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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