I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
