so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
