I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
