I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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