He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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