Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
