Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
