Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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