I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
