toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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