Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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