Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
