I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
