What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
