Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
