on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Come on in and take your pants off
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize