i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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