i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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