dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
