when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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