Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
