how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
