My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
