Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
