Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
