i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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