I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
did i just pee glitter
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