and i looked up. we had an audience...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
