I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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